It has recently been brought to our attention that the greater student body of International House is in perilous and desperate need of advisory council. International House has questions; questions that must be answered by a doctor, in fact something better than a doctor … a doctor of veterinary medicine (soon to be, possibly, maybe). And so I, of very little skill and qualifications, save the phonetic resemblance of my name to that of a popular advisory column in a woman’s magazine, have set out to immeasurably enhance the quality of your life and the depth of your understanding of this crazy, twisted, macabre, terrifying yet exhilarating experience that is college. Now have at me my people…
Q1: There’s this guy I like in Scheps but I live in Clunies and he says that our cultural divide is just too much to overcome. Also, he says the stairs provide too much of a physical barrier between us. What should I do? — Heart Divided
A: Get him pregnant and seal the deal.
Q2: Is it wrong to fantasize about Panda? He’s just so soft and dem eyes… — #yearofMYpanda?
A: As panda and human gametes are unable to produce viable offspring, such an affection will go against your core biological drive to procreate and will sadly not result in continuation of your respective gene lines. However, if you two are happy together, then who are we to judge what is right for you and your continued happiness. Wishing you all the best for your furry future.
Q3: I think since moving to IH I’ve become allergic to chicken and rice. Have you heard of the illness, is it due to overexposure and is there a cure? —Catercareitis
A: I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry… it’s terminal, you will never recover. Over time you may begin to regain some normal control over your will to eat these again, but the scarring is so deep I’m afraid you will never recuperate your previous affections and tolerance for these foodstuffs.
Q4: This burning question plagues me at night, especially as our beloved milo may soon disappear. Please explain the difference between milo and hot chocolate, and why can’t we live without the brown stuff. – Milo Addicted
A: In essence Milo is a hot chocolate (coco) and malt blend whereas regular hot chocolate powder lacks a number of additional ingredients, the most essential of which being a crack-cocaine-like substance that instils a state of addiction and dependency on the subject. This will obviously have severe repercussions if International House’s supply of this vital substance were ever removed, most likely resulting in hoards of addict’s angry protesting, reduced productivity and a hangover-esque state in all residents seeking their next milo.
Yours faithfully, dOllie Doctor
