You know what grinds my gears? Big boobs. Those things that girls aspire to have, straight men aspire to hold, and gay men… still aspire to hold… yeah, those things – they suck. Here is a list of reasons why you would hate having large breasts:
1. Having to apply deodorant underneath your boobs. It gets deodorant residue all over your pretty bras, and the boob sweat still shows up sometimes!
2. Not being able to run. All the sports bras you have ever been fitted with have cut into you, given you bruises, made your boobs look weird, and haven’t aided the whole bounce thing. To all bra technologists: try eliminating bounce on something more than a C-cup, mkay?
3. Stretch marks and sagging from the age of 13. STRETCH MARKS AND SAGGING FROM THE AGE OF 13.
4. The fact that K-Mart, Target, and most other reasonably priced stores do not actually stock anything above a D-cup that is not a) maternity, b) fugly, c) for old women, d) minimising, or e) designed for a smaller cup but they just sell them in a larger size, meaning your boobs WILL fall out.
5. The amount of money you have to spend on well-fitting bras. Other things that would cost the same amount: a ticket to see a big-name band; two bottles of Jack Daniels; a return flight from London to Amsterdam; over 250 packets of mi-gi at Shop.
6. Having to buy shirts that make your stomach look fat, just so they fit over your boobs. Also, having too much cleavage in EVERYTHING.
7. People complimenting your outfits not by saying that your clothes are nice, or that you’re pretty (always welcome), but saying how it makes your boobs look amazing.
8. People looking down at your boobs mid-conversation. You think you’re sneaky, but we can see you, we’re looking at your face.
9. Not being able to wear backless dresses, strapless dresses, button-up shirts, or anything with slogan/words on it.
10. Bikinis. Oh god.
11. Constantly spilling drinks, or dropping food, down your shirt. How does it happen so much?
12. Back problems. ‘Nuff said.