Last week there was an invasion into Melbourne University. This orchestrated and planned attack was perpetrated by non-other than the dreaded STUDENT POLITICIANS.
That’s right, its Student Union election time!
Their plan of attack focused on covering the most crucial of landmarks: the libraries, the Union House and South Lawn. This all-out assault has left many trapped in packs of enthusiastic student volunteers.
Have you been bombarded by pamphlets? Has a stranger come up to you to ask for your vote? Have they forced you to talk (for a considerable time) about how terrible the other (unknown) parties are, and how great theirs is?
Here are Some tips on how to Surviving the Melbourne University Student Election
Do NOT Look Them in the Eyes.
DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT.
Student volunteers (like gorillas) will take this as a challenge and attack you. Prolonged eye contact WILL make the student volunteers approach.
If brief eye contact is made walk briskly in the opposite direction with your eyes faced squarely on the ground
Be Holding Things.
They can’t give you things if you cannot physically hold them.
Best items to hold include: Books, computers, cans of pepper-spray, food, novelty giant soft toys or a watermelon.
If you have nothing to hold I suggest emergency amputation.
Very busy. So Very Busy. Maybe wear a suit with a brief case. Wear a business-y expression. Think about taxes and the economy. Yes – like that. So serious. No one is going to bother you like that. Alternatively –
- Listen to music Also known as: The “I’m not listening! Lalalalalalalala! I can’t hear you” approach
- Be in a conversation with someone – ANYONE. If you find yourself alone near a pamphlet pack grab the nearest random stranger and begin talking. Not only will you avoid the onslaught, but you also save another innocent civilian from the horrors of student politics.
Steal one of the T-Shirts that they wear as uniforms. Disguising yourself as one of them they will not attack.
This approach is risky as you may be approaches and abused by rival parties. Also one must be careful not to be discovered by the real members of the party
If the worst occurs and you are cornered by a pamphleteer here are some more tips:
- Try to escape as quickly as you can. The pheromone release of a pamphleteer finding a victim will draw others in a matter of minutes. Look for your nearest exit and make for it as soon as humanly possible.
- Nod silently as you plot your escape. If you try and argue with them this will draw attention from the pack. It’s best to endure the worst of the onslaught silently and hope that others are not drawn towards you.
- Hide the pamphlet that has been forcibly shoved into your hands
If others see you have been marked they too will bombard you with paper. If you are seen with any groups leaflet, the rest will hunt you down and smother you in an avalanche of paper
- If your friend becomes trapped leave them behind. They would have wanted you to survive…Honour their memory by remembering them as you run away from the future politicians.