Clown Craze: Hamish’s Guide to Clowns

Undoubtedly you or someone you know has seen the news regarding clowns taking over the streets of the USA and now even some parts of Victoria. Where have these Stephen King-esk creatures come from? What do they want from us? How do we stop them? And more importantly, is the age old idiom of a man’s shoe size relevant to clowns? Well my dear reader I, Hamish, am here to answer some of these queries, but mostly, I’m just here to write about clowns.

First, where do clowns come from? This has long been a mystery amongst the clown watching community. The Circus clowns began somewhere in the later nineteenth century, crawling from the depths of the obscure show business arena that is children’s birthday parties into theatre and eventually film and television. They infiltrated quietly, beginning with their leader Joseph Grimaldi who first perfected the clown disguise. It is surmised that because Grimaldi performed mainly in England, that the English must have been the ones to create the clowns. Others speculate that a certain part of the population devolved into the clowns due to not enough tea in their bodies. I’m not saying we should be watching the English, but Dunne, we have our eye on you.

Thus brings us to the second question: What do they want from us? Naïve clown watchers would have you believe they are merely there to make us laugh and entertain us at the circus. This is a fallacy of the highest caliber, as most clown experts know better. The facts are plainly obvious that these creatures are far from interested in making sure we go home with a little more dopamine in our brains. I mean, just look at their make-up. What person in their right mind would look at a face completely white with weird, colourful eyebrows, and massive red honker for a nose and say that it brings them anything but absolute terror and perhaps, in the case of those who have mild coulrophilia, intrigue. We clown experts can see behind their wide grins and silly little spray flowers. No clowns, they’re not funny, especially when the water hits you right in the god damn eye and it hurts and-! Ahem, back on topic. In truth, clowns are here to make us buy and consume clown products to eventually turn us into one of them. Movies about clowns, clown costumes, The Joker from Batman, even food! All of it is for the opportunity to slowly brainwash us into little clown lackeys. That’s right Ronald McDonald, I’m on to you and your fast food mind control scheme you red, white, and yellow bastard. When I come in for my next nuggets and fries, you’ll be sure to be getting an earful from me!

Finally, the last question I shall answer is how do we stop these clowns from becoming a menace. The solution lies in simplicity my friends. We must simply ignore them. The clowns feed of our want to pay attention to them and consume what they have to offer. This frail imitation’s in masks are not clowns, but merely pawns in the clown’s games to make us want to see more of the clowns. They are not true clowns, for they wear masks, not make-up, and once they realise we don’t want none of what they’re selling, they shall eventually fade. It is inevitable. And remember, Harambe shall be with you, always.


-Hamish Plaggemars

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